The best things in life are silly.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for more important battles.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that's O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems.

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

I get mail; therefore I am.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

I've always defined myself not as a cartoonist , but as an entrepreneur. That was true before I tried cartooning. I always imagined cartooning would be how I got my seed capital. I always thought my other businesses would be the less dominant part of my life.

I'm predicting that we'll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with 'thought you'd be interested,' and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind him or her to stop send that kind of message.

Home is pretty utopian.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.

Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it.

I burned out my drawing hand by using it too much. The common word for it is writer's cramp. The fancy words for it are focal dystonia. The symptom in my case was a pinky finger that went spastic when I tried to draw.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.'

I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing.

'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want.

The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

I'm surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.

Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier.

In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can't use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.

I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

I love magazines. It's such McNugget kind of information.

One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there's something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer.

I try to avoid giving advice.

My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right.

My investments have been hurt.

I'm primarily just an investor.